Friday, February 27, 2015

Blue or White (#TheDress Controversy)

-->
I asked my baby
“Hey, what colour’s this dress?”
Her weird-ass answer
Kind of made me distressed

Now I believe in miracles
And a miracle has happened tonight

But if you’re thinkin’
'Bout my garment
It don’t matter if it’s
Blue or White

They print the picture
From their screens and their phones
The experts argue
It’s our rods and our cones

Some see black and some see gold
And all think
That you are wrong
And they’re right

But if you’re thinkin'
'Bout my garment
It don’t matter if it’s
Blue or White

I am tired of this Dressgate
I am tired of this strife
The saturation you misstate
That makes you question your life
I ain’t scared of your query
Filters, pixels and tones
I ain’t scared of my theory
Leaving me all alone

Perception
Of shades
And striations
Causing grief in
Human relations
It’s a lace war
On a global scale
Weighing in on both sides
An Internet fail
See, it’s not a precision
Night vision
Division
What’s seen last
Or contrast
May make your decision
If you’ve seen the bright
Or the duller
I’m not going to spend
Life mad from a dress colour

Don’t tell me you agree with me
This is worse than that time with Magic Eye
But if you’re thinking
About my garment
It don’t matter if it’s blue or white

If you’re thinking
About my garment
It don’t matter if it’s blue or white

Monday, January 12, 2015

Horrid Essay

This is for all the weary English profs out there. To the tune of "Hallelujah."


I heard there were some useless words
That make sure that your point’s deferred
But you just care about your page count defray
It goes like this: five paragraphs
Repeat yourself for almost half
The baffled student makes a horrid essay

Horrid essay (x4)

Your introduction should be new
You just say what you’re going to do
Without the sense you’ll ever do it someday
“This essay will” makes teachers gag
Your wheels spin and our spirits flag
Your pen wags as you start your horrid essay

Horrid essay (x4)

Student, I’ve been here before
These words won’t ever help your score
“Society” kicks off a florid mess, hey
Beware Thesaurus: dinosaur
That fossilizes evermore
Your literally very unique essay

Horrid essay (x4)

The point you want to make is that
You’ve got some point to knock us flat
You pass this baton like you’ve run a relay
The margins wide, the font thirteen
“My meaning is” – your meaning’s mean
Poor and obscene, these phrases in your essay

Horrid essay (x4)

We eagerly await your proof
And yet it still remains aloof
Citations and close readings at a delay
Let’s misquote wildly just for show
Whose words these are, don’t think you know
You’re blowing smoke into your horrid essay

Horrid essay (x4)

Maybe God or sheer confusion
Will save this poor unclear conclusion
“As mentioned earlier,” now let’s regress, eh
Rerun your thesis, teacher sighs
At least you didn’t plagiarize
While padding out this truly horrid essay

Horrid essay (x4)